These times are increasingly fast-paced, challenging, and sometimes scary. With that come confusion, frustration, stress and uncertainty. To manage these feelings, many of my clients have been asking me, “What should I be doing with my time and energy?”
Some key buzzwords that you have probably been hearing more frequently lately are purpose, mindfulness, letting go, and desire. In response to what is happening in the world and in individual lives, people are tending to want more meaning in what they experience and to bring more value to what they do in the world.
Yet in all the chaos and uncertainty, these intentions seem elusive.
The other day, I posted this Cairn Meditation: “Are you doing what you are called to do, have to do, ought to do, or want to do? What would have to change so that all four of those could be perfectly aligned, all one and the same?”
These are the questions I ask my clients. They are important questions because they bring into focus what is most important to each person, and helps the person to prioritize his or her actions.
Peace of mind and serenity of spirit are always possible. It is vital to know what produces them in you.
So first…What are you called to do? What is your passion? What is the fire in your belly? That thing you would rather die doing than live not doing?
Sadly, but not surprisingly, few people know what that is. From a very early age, emphasis is placed on what you have to do to survive and should do to make others happy. Little to no importance is placed on what makes you come alive, with vitality and joy. So it is to be expected that you may not know what would do that.
For many people, even asking the question makes them feel selfish. “Who am I to be asking what my passion in life is? I should be happy to just have a job, work hard to keep it, and go home to care for my family.”
Well, that’s true! Following a passion does not argue with that. Rather it deepens it – because study after study has shown that most people do a better job at what they love than what they merely tolerate, regardless of their knowledge and skill level.
What is your spirit calling you to do, to be, to express? What lights you up? “Let your light so shine that people may see your good works…” What is your deep core truth guiding you toward? Be true to yourself, and the truth will set you free. Free to be all you are capable of and desire to be.
Most of us get stuck in a pattern of doing only what we
- Have to do to get by;
- Should do, according to someone else’s agenda for us; or
- Ought to do according to the script of old tapes playing in our minds.
Absolutely there are some things we must do to get by in the world. We need to eat, clothe ourselves, put a roof over our heads – and provide these things for our families. We need to earn a living.
We are social creatures, and so we need to do the things that keep us connected to our tribe – our friends and neighbors.
But ask yourself if there is truly a reason your musts can’t be aligned with the calling of your heart. Yes it may be hard. There may be some new skills to acquire or a new attitude to adapt. But many people are able to do it – why not you? And at the very least, if for a time all the circumstances, events and situations in your life prevent you from doing what you love, can you at least create ways to love what you do?
As for the “shoulds” and “ought tos,” these are the real bugaboos, because they are merely ghosts. But they are ghosts with enough substance so as to appear real. They are demons that certainly dogged me at different times in my life.
Do you know what a “should” is? It’s a “Subversive, Heartless Opinion, Undermining Life’s Desires!” It is a story that someone, perhaps well-meaning or maybe just full of their own agenda, placed on us that has no meaning for us except what we give to it.
I have long fingers with a wide spread, and I was told countless times I “should be a surgeon.” Except I’m squeamish around blood. Oops!
The shoulds and ought tos in your life need to be identified and triaged into one of four categories: Called to do, Must do, Want to do, or Stop doing. If you are not called to do it, don’t need to do it in order to survive, and don’t want to do it, why are you doing it?
We lose more serenity and peace of mind over shoulds and ought tos than all other actions and circumstances combined. And – here’s the worst of it – medical research is showing that these actions have a devastating negative impact on our physical and mental health. They weaken the immune system, open the door to stress-related illness, and make us susceptible to depression, panic, and other conditions.
Shoulds and ought tos usually cannot be aligned with desires and callings – they need to be transformed or eliminated. “But what will people say,” I often hear. The people who love you want the best for you. They may struggle with your changes, we all do that. But they will support you. As for those who don’t, well ask yourself if pleasing someone who wants you to risk your happiness, well-being and life for their agenda is worth risking your happiness, well-being and life over? Only you can decide that.
Finally, what is it that you want to do? What gives you joy, pleasure, satisfaction?
If following a calling seemed selfish to you, following joy will probably feel over the top! But again, this is what makes us truly effective and magnetic in what we do.
Think about it, none of us enjoys going to the dentist, but you know two who are on the same block, charge the same fee and are equally covered by your insurance: one exudes feeling grateful for the opportunity to help you, seems to genuinely like both the work itself and you as a patient, and appears confident and competent. The other seems equally competent but groans and moans about what a terrible career dentistry is and what morons the patients are. Who would you rather have drilling and filling in your mouth? Hopefully, that’s a no-brainer!
When you do what brings you joy in a way that brings you joy, you bring joy with you in what you do. How many times have you thought some version of “I wish I lived in a more joyful world?” Do what brings you joy and you will.
Now how do you bring all this into alignment? The simple answer is, “Do what you love; do what loves you; and love what you do.”
To align what you are called to do, must do and want to do, the first step is stop doing what isn’t among that. You can do pretty much anything, but you can’t do everything, so be discerning. What do you want your legacy to be? What do you want your reputation to be?
If we get so busy doing what has meaning, value, purpose and pleasure for us that we have no time for anything else… well, we won’t have time for anything else! Dan Millman, author of The Way of the Peaceful Warrior and many other books, once told me his definition of a spiritual warrior as we ate salads in a little bistro outside of Boston. He said a spiritual warrior makes good money doing what he loves to do serving other people.
“Good money” takes care of all of our physical needs for survival and comfort. “Doing what we love” takes care of our mental and emotional needs for stimulation and connection. “Serving others” takes care of our spiritual need to lift our own hearts by lifting others.
I challenge you to take some time, maybe an hour or so, to list your callings, musts, shoulds, and desires. And during that hour, I dare you to see what you are brave enough to whittle off the list. And finally I invite you to tweak or transform what remains into a potential way of life that is aligned with the best you can bring to the world.
It is within you. You deserve to bring it out, and to live it fully! This is the ultimate joy.