Miscellaneous

What is addiction? The word itself comes from the Latin, addicere, which means “to give oneself to.” It is to voluntarily be enslaved by. Now, this is misleading, because although we voluntarily look for ways to feel better, we are not seeking to become addicts to those ways.

In a moment I’ll describe the four types of addiction, but first, it’s important to know that each of them – whether related to a substance, a behavior or to relationships – produce the same chemical reactions in the brain. So all addiction is really chemical addiction. I’ll go into more detail on this in an upcoming article.

In modern use, addiction is described as a loss of control due to the release of those mood- or reality-altering brain chemicals, coupled with the inability to stop the addiction behaviors despite negative impacts on one’s life. Thus a physical or psychological dependence is brought about.

The American Psychiatric Association has certain criteria for determining a diagnosis of addiction. At least three of the following must be present in the individual (these are adapted from the DSM IV-R):

• The substance is used in larger quantities or more often than intended;
• There have been unsuccessful attempts to stop use;
• There is an inordinate focus on obtaining, using, or recovering from the substance;
• It disrupts the person’s life;
• The person continues despite awareness of negative consequences;
• There is an increase in tolerance (the person needs more to get the same effect – this can reverse in late stages of addiction);
• There are identifiable withdrawal symptoms;
• The substance is used to avoid withdrawal.

The APA uses these to diagnose Substance Addiction, but anyone who has suffered from other types of addiction can easily recognize these within their own experiences.

The Four Types of Addiction:

Substance Addiction:

Obviously, this is about alcohol and drug addiction. A chemical of some sort is ingested into the body, triggering the chemical reaction in the brain.

Process Addiction:

This is when a person is “enslaved” to a process, such as gambling, shopping, work, extreme sports, sex, the internet, food (note: there are eating disorders that are not addictions, such as anorexia and bulimia, because have different symptoms), exercise, self-help/personal development, or any other process in which the afflicted person puts themselves, their relationships or their lives/livelihoods/lifestyles in harm’s way.

Systemic Addiction:

Sometimes erroneously called “addictive personality,” this has to do with a person’s way of thinking, their beliefs, perspectives, and behavior patterns. They are like “habits on steroids” and although the person is aware of the negative impact on his or her life, trying to stop or change the thoughts or behaviors often seems near impossible.

Codependency:

Though many people balk at this term, I don’t know a better word to describe this addiction to dysfunctional relationships, people-pleasing, and finding one’s self-worth or self-esteem through how other people view them. Nearly every addicted person I’ve met, regardless of their primary type of addiction, has some level of codependency present as well.

Each of these types of addiction can cause physical or psychological illness, destroy lives, and in the extreme, even lead to life-threatening behaviors and conditions. The treatment for each is often different in the short-term, but on-going, long-term recovery requires very similar steps. I’ll cover those in future articles.

See my previous blog, “Our Addictive Culture,” and you’ll recognize some of these traits in our media, politics, corporations, advertising, education system, religions, and throughout many aspects of our culture. The challenge we face in healing our society is the same challenge faced by an individual addict when considering recovery. It is daunting but doable!

 

“More! I want more!” says the little girl in the AT&T commercial. And she is speaking for most of us. We want more, bigger, faster, smarter, prettier, stronger, richer, sleeker… etc.

Individually and collectively as a culture, we imagine that the next bright idea will save us, or the next shiny object will fulfill us, or the next partner will complete us. We are trying to fill an internal empty space with something external, and when we acquire that next thing, it does seem to fill the space – for awhile – but then it leaves us even emptier, and just a little more desperate for the next thing. This is the definition of addiction.

Addiction is about longing. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung and anthropologist Gregory Bateson called it a spiritual thirst, a feeling that there is something more, something deeper, that is elusive to the seeker in any meaningful or permanent way.

This longing triggers certain reactions within us, which may include:

Fear – “The world is unsafe,” so we get defensive or aggressive;

Scarcity – “There isn’t enough,” so we have to grab more;

Judgment – “We’re not enough,” so we see others as worse in order to feel better;

Projection – Others are responsible for our circumstances or feelings;

Anger – “It’s not fair!” “I’ll show them!”

Shame – We feel personally inadequate, bad, impotent;

Separation – We’re alone, and need someone else to make us happy;

Perfection – Mistakes can’t be tolerated and should be judged and punished;

Denial – Of both our divinity and our imperfect humanness;

Past/Future Orientation – We get nostalgic or regretful of the past, and worried or anxious about the future;

Poor Self Image – Leading to either low self-esteem or grandiosity.

When we look at our lives or experiences through the lenses of these triggers, we tend to attempt to resolve or control the resulting discomfort with “stuff,” behavior patterns or beliefs that give temporary relief.

This in turn triggers the addictive cycle: spiritual longing feels like emptiness > need/desire to fill the “hole” > quick, temporary fulfillment brings relief > deepening of the emptiness when we realize that “thing” wasn’t really what our deep self longed for > an increased urgency to fill the desire with something more, something new, something better. The cycle is endless until it is addressed and transformed.

In upcoming posts, we’ll look at how this affects our society, our brain chemistry, and what to do about it.

There are four pillars that support ongoing, quality recovery from any addiction or habit pattern. To maintain the best recovery you can, live a life based upon getting and staying HIGH:

Honesty

Integrity

Gratitude

Humility

When we lean on these practices as a way of being, our potential for an inspired, empowered, wholehearted life of meaning and joy grows exponentially. Let’s look at each pillar:

Honesty: This is obviously about telling the truth – to ourselves, first and foremost, and to others. Being honest is not just avoiding telling lies (of commission or omission), but also avoiding manipulation, rationalizing, over-explaining, defensiveness, justification, etc. These are ways we try to “get around” the truth or hide behind half-truths or illusions. They show a lack of confidence, lack of authenticity, lack of authority that is present when we stand for what we know to be true.

Integrity: This is about embodying our truths – being true to our word, our values. It’s about standing firm in what we know to be the higher ground, whether it is easy and comfortable or not. To have integrity, we need to be congruent in what we say and how we act. Do we know what matters to us, and are we willing to not sell out or sell ourselves short?

Gratitude: To appreciate means to grow in value. Do we appreciate ourselves, our lives, the gifts we have or receive, the opportunities and challenges that come our way? Even the things we perceive as problems or negatives in our lives can be appreciated if we accept them as lessons to be learned from. Having an attitude of gratitude is not a “Pollyanna” outlook – there is no room for falsity or rosy glasses. Rather it’s the recognition that every experience leads to another and by allowing it to “grow in value,” we empower ourselves to grow as well.

Humility: Humility means teachability. AA’s book, “The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions,” defines humility as “knowing who and what we really are, coupled with a sincere attempt to become what we can be.” This is paramount to a good life. It is the opposite of humiliation, which is all about bringing us down. Rather it’s about lifting ourselves up, with integrity, to embrace and develop our talents, skills, values and become the person we aspire to become in our heart of hearts.

These pillars are not destinations in life, they are practices. We will both progress toward them and we will falter. That’s the nature of being human; we do remarkable things and we screw up. Recovery – high-quality, long-term, meaningful recovery – follows when we commit ourselves to doing our best at these practices, and correcting ourselves when we fall short. No blame, shame or self-deprecation; just “live and learn.”

Here are some ways to practice each pillar. The first item in each category is at a basic level; the second is harder, more challenging – “extra credit” if you will. Be mindful with each practice not to be hurtful or uncaring of others; growth isn’t really growth when it’s inconsiderate or disrespectful toward those around us:

Honesty:

1. Practice pausing before you give an answer to people and check in with yourself to be sure that the answer you are about to give is objectively true and not just comfortable, convenient or putting you in the best light.

2. If you do tell an untruth (lie, embellishment, exaggeration, rationalization, etc.), pause and correct yourself.

Integrity:

1. Practice having clear, well-defined boundaries. Don’t say “yes” when you want to say “no” and vice versa. Boundaries are lines we draw for ourselves, not others.

2. If you do say “yes” when you want to say “no”, tell the person that you were wrong or changed your mind and if possible, offer to help them find a replacement for you.

Gratitude:

1. Keep a daily gratitude journal of at least 5 things that happened each day and express gratitude for it (“I am grateful for ___ because ___.”)

2. Have your list include at least two items that were painful, hurtful, scary or that made you angry.

Humility:

1. Write a list of some of your major weaknesses, shortcomings, failures and chronic mistakes. Write a list of some of your greatest strengths, attributes, successes and lessons learned.

2. Share both lists with someone you trust, for the sole purpose of accepting your humanness and learning something about yourself.

What I’ve experienced for myself, and witnessed in countless others, is that making these practices a regular routine is enormously rewarding and fulfilling – not just because getting HIGH helps you maintain the highest quality recovery, it also helps you grow more confident, self-assured and become a powerful model and support for others. If you are new to it, it may sound hard or painful, but I assure you it leads to greater ease and peace of mind. If I can be of any help along the way, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

We all want to go as far as we can in life, and we all have different ideas about what that means to us personally. Yet life has its own ideas – we are met with roadblocks, obstacles, detours and potholes that can sometimes seem to conspire to keep us from the progress and intentions we set for ourselves.

However, it is easier to go FAR if we approach life with the perspective of Flexibility, Acceptance, Resiliency.

When we meet what life throws at us with Flexibility, we can better “go with the flow” and gracefully bend with whatever circumstances arise.

When we Accept life on life’s terms, and not waste our energy fighting or denying what is in front of us, we can better deal with things and make the changes we need to in order to succeed.

When we are Resilient, we can bounce back from whatever would knock us down, and often be stronger and wiser for it.

But how do we do it?

To be more Flexible:
• Check to see where you are being rigid – how often and in what circumstances do you use words like “always” and “never?” For example, “This is how we’ve always done things (the implication being it’s how we must do things),” or “I’ll never do ____ (fill in the blank with what you won’t do because you haven’t before, or don’t know how, or are afraid of what others might say). To be more flexible, you have to spot your rigidity and release it.
• Let go of “must,” “have to,” and “should.” Of course there are ethics and laws to follow in life, but most of the “rules” we try so hard to abide by are illusions created by our childhood bonding or cultural beliefs. The real question to ask yourself is “Does this lead me toward the life I value or away from it?” Do what moves you forward. Are your thoughts and actions working for you and if not, what can you do to change them?

To be more Accepting:
• Recognize what acceptance means: acknowledging what is, not settling for what is. Things are as they are, and we can’t change them or let them go if we are in denial about them.
• Watch your perspective – change negative thinking into positive thinking.
• Use the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Here’s my “Wisdom Litmus Test” to know what I can and can’t change: if it’s outside of me (other people, situations, events, etc.), I can’t change it – although I can change my participation in it. If it’s inside of me (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions) then I can change it. Yes, it’s almost always that simple!

To be more Resilient:
• Consider the choices you make. We are going to stumble, make mistakes, fail. That’s life. But when we allow those to define us or to stop us, that’s not life – that’s choice. Resilience is making the choice to bounce back and keep trying.
• Live with EASE – Enthusiastic Action, Simple Effort. Do what makes you feel alive and do it with clear, smart action. Let go of “busy-ness,” and get down to business!
• Check your resistance – a little bit can be good: friction is what helps wheels to turn instead of spin or skid. But when we resist too much, we dig ourselves into ruts.

Only you can decide how far you want to go and how far you’re willing to go. And for the most part, only you can decide what is going to keep you from getting there. There is an old maxim that says whatever is the thing (within yourself) you are unwilling to change, that is the thing that will always stop you. But Flexibility, Acceptance and Resilience are great tools to keep you moving forward.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Addiction depends on being non-conscious. I don’t mean passed out unconscious, I mean not being aware of, or not making conscious choices.

We think the same things over and over. We do the same things mindlessly. We do what is familiar without a conscious thought to the consequences. But if you want to see the consequences, look at the overall average level of joy, fulfillment, calm and creativity you experience in your life. These are some of the ways to get a clear measure how conscious or unconscious you are.

We are designed to feel supported in life, not burdened by it. But we have to be conscious about what we’re doing to either add to our support or add to our burden. Bad stuff happens, but consciousness allows us to be resilient and find ways to deal with and sometimes even benefit from those bad things.

For example, breaking your back and becoming paralyzed would lead some people to hopeless despair – Christopher Reeve saw it as an opportunity to make a difference. Being born armless and legless could lead some to believe they are worthless – Nick Vujicic used it to become an internationally known inspirational speaker, and Kyle Maynard used it as a challenge to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Blindness could lead one to think they could never succeed in their dream career – home cook Christine Ha became a chef at a 5-star restaurant without seeing anything she prepared. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

These people, and others who overcame seemingly insurmountable odds, became very conscious of both their limitations and theirs strengths, and used the latter to overcome the former.

To have more say in our destiny, we need to be more conscious in all six of the steps Gandhi mentioned that lead to it.

CONSCIOUSNESS EXERCISE

Here’s a simple exercise that will help you be conscious and present in this very moment. Take a morsel of your favorite healthy food and follow these steps, paying close attention to your senses and emotions as described in the exercise. It will probably take about 10-15 minutes, but with practice, you can gain this level of consciousness in seconds.

(NOTE: for this exercise, please avoid extraneous stimuli – phones, computers, TV, books, newspapers, etc. Just focus on the piece of food and the process.)

 SENSES

• Sight: Look at the morsel on the plate. Notice the shape. Outline it with your eyes. Notice the irregularities of its shape. Notice the color of the morsel, and any variations in the color. Notice the shadowing due to the lighting of the room. Notice how the texture appears on the morsel (is it smooth, rough?). Turn the plate so you can see the morsel from different perspectives.

Describe what you see:

• Touch: Now pick up the morsel with your fingers and close your eyes. Notice its weight. Notice the texture as you touch it – does it feel like you imagined it would when you saw it on the plate?

Describe how it feels to the touch:

• Smell: Bring the morsel close to your nose and close your eyes. Breathe in the aroma through your nostrils. Is the aroma pleasant? Can you discern the scents of the different ingredients?

Describe the aroma and as many ingredients as you can identify:

• Taste: Taste the morsel with just the tip of your tongue. Does it have a flavor? Now taste it on the center of your tongue. Has the flavor changed in any way? Finally taste it on the back of your tongue. Again, any change in flavor? (Each part of the tongue tastes different flavors and discerns sweet from savory from seasoned.)

Describe your experience and any differences you noticed:

• Hearing: Take a bite of the morsel and chew it, again with your eyes closed. Notice the sounds you hear, and notice whether you can distinguish what sounds are made by the gnashing of your teeth, the lubricating of your saliva, the pull of your muscles near your ears. Notice the sound when you swallow what you have chewed. Also notice the sounds around you – are there birds or traffic outside? Is someone moving around near you? What do you hear?

Describe the sounds and the experience of listening intently:

• Body: Lots of other things are happening in your body while you eat. How many can you notice? For example, did your stomach begin to “growl” or “churn” as you were looking at the morsel on the plate? At what point did you begin to salivate? What was your breathing like during the exercise – were you breathing throughout (hint: certainly not as you swallowed or you’d have choked!).

Describe the different experiences you noticed during this experience:

EMOTIONS

• Feeling: As you ate the morsel, did you notice any emotional feelings? Were you happy, content, irritable, or other feeling? (Whether you did or did not is equally fine – there is no right or wrong emotional response.) Was the experience pleasant, unpleasant?

Describe your emotional feelings or lack of them:

• Energy: Did you notice any difference in your energy level at any point during the exercise? Is your energy level any different after the exercise than before starting?

Describe any changes you noticed in your energy:

• Effects: Notice whether you had any other awarenesses during this exercise, for example:

Memories: Did the food, or any part of the exercise remind you of something or someone, either past or present?

Thoughts: Did your mind drift? If so, what did you think about?

Triggers: Did any part of the exercise trigger any positive or negative emotional reactions? If so, what was the trigger and what did it trigger? How did it influence your experience? Can you let it go?

Satisfaction: What was your overall level of satisfaction with the exercise, the food and your awareness?

Did the experience lead you to be aware of anything else?

If there are any questions you could not answer, that’s fine. You may be more or less aware of some of your processes, or you may simply have not experienced some of these effects. Try again at another time, and be conscious of that experience.

This exercise can be done in many ways, with many different objects, events, circumstances or people. You won’t always be able to use every sense, but you can become more present and aware of your experiences, surroundings and the impact they have on your body, mind, mood and emotions. Whether in a business meeting, on a date, playing with your kids, or whatever you are doing, practice being as conscious and present to the experience as you can. It is a great way to feel more vibrant and alive in everything you do!