“More! I want more!” says the little girl in the AT&T commercial. And she is speaking for most of us. We want more, bigger, faster, smarter, prettier, stronger, richer, sleeker… etc.
Individually and collectively as a culture, we imagine that the next bright idea will save us, or the next shiny object will fulfill us, or the next partner will complete us. We are trying to fill an internal empty space with something external, and when we acquire that next thing, it does seem to fill the space – for awhile – but then it leaves us even emptier, and just a little more desperate for the next thing. This is the definition of addiction.
Addiction is about longing. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung and anthropologist Gregory Bateson called it a spiritual thirst, a feeling that there is something more, something deeper, that is elusive to the seeker in any meaningful or permanent way.
This longing triggers certain reactions within us, which may include:
Fear – “The world is unsafe,” so we get defensive or aggressive;
Scarcity – “There isn’t enough,” so we have to grab more;
Judgment – “We’re not enough,” so we see others as worse in order to feel better;
Projection – Others are responsible for our circumstances or feelings;
Anger – “It’s not fair!” “I’ll show them!”
Shame – We feel personally inadequate, bad, impotent;
Separation – We’re alone, and need someone else to make us happy;
Perfection – Mistakes can’t be tolerated and should be judged and punished;
Denial – Of both our divinity and our imperfect humanness;
Past/Future Orientation – We get nostalgic or regretful of the past, and worried or anxious about the future;
Poor Self Image – Leading to either low self-esteem or grandiosity.
When we look at our lives or experiences through the lenses of these triggers, we tend to attempt to resolve or control the resulting discomfort with “stuff,” behavior patterns or beliefs that give temporary relief.
This in turn triggers the addictive cycle: spiritual longing feels like emptiness > need/desire to fill the “hole” > quick, temporary fulfillment brings relief > deepening of the emptiness when we realize that “thing” wasn’t really what our deep self longed for > an increased urgency to fill the desire with something more, something new, something better. The cycle is endless until it is addressed and transformed.
In upcoming posts, we’ll look at how this affects our society, our brain chemistry, and what to do about it.