A Personal Experience
I found the 12 Steps (or they found me) in 1975, and although I have certainly had my struggles with them at times, they quickly became the foundation upon which I built first my recovery, then my life.
I was very fortunate to have had two very committed sponsors over the years, Gene and Tom, whose love of the steps was rock-solid, but whose perspectives on the steps were very different. And both were adamant that I become familiar and comfortable enough with the steps that I could develop my own understanding of them. As Tom once said, “If you don’t have a personal relationship with them, it’s not a relationship.” Years earlier, Gene had told me, “My understanding of the steps will only tell you what I think. You have to figure out what you think if you are going to maintain recovery.”
My understanding of, and relationship to the steps has evolved over time. My respect and appreciation has only deepened. Here is a quick snapshot of how I live them today (please bear in mind that this is just snapshot, not the whole panorama of their place in my life):
Step 1. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Alcohol and drugs have not plagued my mind in years. Except when talking with others in recovery, the thoughts and memories rarely pop up. Yet there is much in life that I am powerless over, and this step reminds me not to take on what is not mine to manage.
Step 2. “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
This step directs me to ask for help from whomever and whatever can help, because let’s face it, if I’m stuck or don’t know how to do something anyone who does know how is a power greater than me.
Step 3. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood [God].” (To the purists, sorry but I don’t use the masculine pronoun because I just can’t make myself think of God as male – or female for that matter.)
I love God, but my understanding of what God is has changed dramatically since my early days (I won’t define mine, because everyone must find their own). I’ve learned that I am responsible to be sure that my will and my life are in harmony with the highest good, as I understand it. The desires of my ego separate me from that.
Step 4. “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
If I don’t know who I am, how can I possibly change and grow? This step shows me what is and is not working to help me grow into the person I choose to be and am capable of being.
Step 5. “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
My perspective on this step hasn’t changed much – “we’re only as sick as our secrets; tell the secrets and we get well” – except that for those like me whose self-esteem is sometimes shot, it can also important to admit the exact nature of our “rights,” our positive traits and accomplishments. Otherwise we can get pretty immobilized.
Step 6. “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
I’ve come to accept that this is a decision about cooperation. I have to be willing to let go of thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that don’t serve me or the life I want to live.
Step 7. “Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.”
Another cooperative step (they all are, really). God won’t take from me what I won’t let go of, and as the saying goes I rarely let go of anything without leaving claw marks!
Step 8. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
My life, I have learned, is never held back by what I am willing to do to clear a path or clean up my messes. It’s only held back by what I am NOT willing to do. So it doesn’t make any difference what others do to me – that’s on them. If I want a clear path, it’s my responsibility to clear it. That keeps this step very simple for me.
Step 9. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
I used to dance around this as much as anyone, but karma bit my butt once too often. I learned (sometimes the hard way) that this step is not about feeling better, not about getting forgiveness, not even about restoring old friendships. It’s just about doing the right thing.
Step 10. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
This has always been one of my favorites, because that word “when” lets me off the hook from having to be perfect. I have to have integrity, and strive for growth and improvement, but never perfection. And it’s a reminder that it’s easier to deal with little mistakes as they happen than big, cumulative ones.
Step 11. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.”
I’ve been very blessed to have had many well-known spiritual leaders as friends over the years, but that has made this step a challenge for me. It’s easy to seek spiritual contact through someone else, and harder directly. This step takes a lot of discipline for me, both as a practice and in accepting divine power.
Step 12. “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Carrying the message is a joy, as well as a responsibility. The challenge for me is practicing the principles in all I do (thanks be to Step 10!), but I manage to keep it simple through a process I created, “To Keep Recovery, Keep H.I.G.H. (Honesty, Integrity, Gratitude, Humility)©”. More on that another time.
I’d love to hear how you practice the steps. Feel free to send me an email, or message me on Facebook. Thanks for letting me share with you.