This is a reprint from my newsletter from 2005:
A healthy relationship with a significant other (spouse, partner, boy- or girlfriend) can only become as strong and nurturing as your love for yourself (love your neighbor as you love yourself). So that is the first relationship to nurture.
Each of us must grow and develop as an individual, taking responsibility for our own well-being. If we seek fulfillment from another, we overstrain the relationship and set up disappointment, rejection and resentment. The Jerry McGuire line, “You complete me,” makes great romance in film but is a set-up for stress or even failure in a relationship. Ironically, the more we take care of ourselves, the more complete we feel in relationship to a loved one.
What is love, really? Ask 100 people and you’ll get maybe 150 different answers. But there are some basic elements inherent in the character of love:
Giving of yourself; be vulnerable and available;
Care for the life and growth of your loved one;
Responsibility to be authentic and trustworthy;
Respect for your own and your loved one’s individuality;
Concern for your loved one’s needs on their own terms.
A few guidelines for developing a loving, growing relationship include:
- Create a higher purpose for your relationship. What values, perceptions and dreams do you share? What can you commit to as a couple?
- Develop heart-centered communication. Speak honestly and vulnerably. Clear your inner chatter so you can listen deeply. Commit to working through hurts and resentments.
- Confront your power issues. Express clearly and assertively (not aggressively) your needs and be attentive to your partner’s needs, even if you can’t meet them.
- Create space for each person in the relationship to have solitude and separateness.
- Have fun. Don’t stop playing, dating, romancing each other, even when the kids come!
- In times of impasse, get support. You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that created it, so don’t hesitate getting impartial help when you’re stuck.
- Honor the process of change. As you grow, you change, but that change does not mean you have to grow apart.
- Create an environment in which it is safe to know and share your needs and feelings with each other.
Relationships will bring out our best and our worst. We have a choice to embrace the challenges of relationship as opportunities to grow or to resist them and blame, judge or resent the other. Find creative ways to help each other grow. Be present, be sensitive, be true, be the kind of partner you want to have.